I didnt dare speak to her, as much as I wanted to comfort her, hug her, explain to her, my tongue remained tied, my eyes did not look away from the ground, my hands covering my head from exploding, my face, as red as a red face ever was.
I wanted nothing to do with her, even though never was it my intention to hurt anyone because of my dancing.
She left the room, Wiping away her tears, the look of pain in her eyes as I covered my face away from her.
Closing the door behind her, I threw myself on the floor, my legs in my shirt and hands holding myself tight from breaking to pieces.
I had no heart to get out of my room that entire week, my food was brought to my room. I had not gotten out, nor had I seen grandmother. My door was locked, I sat in a corner, reading books. It wasnt really about intelligence as much as it was about hiding my face away from myself.
I knew, that dancing was a way for me to express myself, the way others would paint, write poetry, take pictures, or create something that may tell how they feel. To me, dancing was never different. Their stone-age thinking did not affect me, but I worried about grandmother's respect for me, and how she expected that I was a mature, sane lady.
When I finally got over it, I got into a jalabyh, wore some of the gold jewelery my mother handed down to me, and braided my long hair just the way grandmother liked it.
I came out of the room, and was stared at as if an alien they had just seen. Grandmother was in the living room, looking away I went to the kitchen, made a Dallah of tea, and another of coffe. I cut some fruits and got out a small covered bowl of dates. I served everything on the living room's coffee table, and I started organizing everything the exact way grandmother had done it ever since I could remember.
I then sat on my knees infront of her, looking down. She knew I was asking for forgivness. She held my hands, and held them both as if a treasure were in her hands, all the tears I hid came down my face as I got up and hugged her silently.
I got her blessings, kissed her on the forehead and sat silently in front of her as she pushed away the fringe covering my teary eyes. "They don't know" she whispered. "They don't need to, but this is not you. This is not what you are supposed to be, you're bigger." she continued. I looked into her eyes as my head filled with questions I needed to be answered. "If you think this is what will help you find yourself, then I will not interrupt. No one has the right to tell you who you are, I know you're being built now, I know you're becoming stronger. And child all I wish is for God to lead you the right way!"
Accepted by family, even with what they don't believe in. What more of a family can I ask for. Amazed, that grandmother did not ask me to stop dancing, thinking I'll find myself through this, I was not hated because of this. I learned how strong a family's unconditional love was that day..
The next day, I woke up to a mention from Saif. Though he's been flirty, it never really interested me. As I was never really into that. Even though I could've been, as to being able to see him everytime I'd go to school, I knew someone else will be waiting there for me.. Kovu
No comments:
Post a Comment